Headline Potpourri

(All to be read in the most sarcastic tone imaginable)

Boy do I love headlines! Check out some of the best from today:

"Wall St. has worst drop since 2001"
So you're telling me that today, the Dow Jones did the worst it has done since the first day the market opened after 9/11? So according to our economy, today, seven years later, America is only slightly better-off than six days after the worst attack on American soil, ever. That's just fantastic news. Why don't we just let Bank of America buy out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, too? We can sell Florida to Cuba and Texas to Mexico, and then we'll have enough money to bail out Lehman Brothers, WaMu, AIG, Countrywide, and Merrill Lynch! Good thing Bush's "Stimulus Package" worked so well!!!


"Schools turn to paying students, parents"
This is a great idea. Public schools, which are just swimming in public funding, get to burn some of that extra textbook money on getting students and parents more involved. This long-term, financially sustainable plan will work forever, creating the perfect public school system. With how little money we're spending in Iraq, there's just gobs of leftover cash for the schools...just look at how good our economy is doing!!!


"Palin won't meet with 'Troopergate' investigator"
Yes! Now we have TWO Mavericks running for the White House! It's about damn time. One "Maverick" wasn't enough for me. I was just sitting on my laurels, waiting for an even Meverickier Maverick to come along and say "Fuck you, Congress." Because, ya know, ignoring federal bipartisan investigatory committees is no big deal - it's like ignoring a parking ticket. Who cares anyway - Pit bull with Lipstick!!!

What If...

So I saw the preview for this movie Blindness. Really disturbing premise – a disease that causes blindness plagues the earth. Now I don’t know all the details of the movie, and I may have just grossly exaggerated the plot, but actually think about that. An epidemic of complete blindness instantly swarms the entire planet. In a matter of days, every human being is blind. What would really happen? Let’s explore.

For the first day, most people would be fine. Those who were at home when the blindness struck would be able to feel their way through their homes, finding food and water. All traffic would come to an immediate halt. The streets would fill with frightened citizens, screaming for help. Fully-automated systems like cell communications would continue to function for a while, allowing people to call their family and friends. Hospitals, police, electricity, porn – all these systems would completely collapse.

By the end of the first week, shit would really hit the fan. Assuming that the water would continue to run, those of us in cities and towns would soon realize “Crap, I’m out of food.” Every grocery store and market would be ransacked in a flurry of blind panic. With all transportation completely frozen, the stores would soon run out of food. Farmers would likely find ways to live off their land. But the rest of us would be totally fucked. People would start dying of starvation, falling, or eating random poisonous stuff. There might even be some cannibalism.

People who were already blind before the epidemic would become our leaders. They would use their heightened senses and directional abilities to safely guide us, all the while laughing at the irony of it.

Most of the world’s population would die off in the first few weeks. Animals would start to re-incorporate us into their food chains. Survivors would live in small farm communities, finding ways to protect themselves. Eventually, people would start having hot blind sex. Within the first year, there’d be some babies.

There would be a lot of pressure on that first baby. Is it blind? The parents would have to test the baby by sitting it down and doing frightening silent things in front of it to see if it cries. If it turned out that the baby could see, it would be a hell of a waiting game.

“Humankind has nearly gone extinct, and our only hope lies in the hands of a generation of babies.”

That could be the sequel: Blindness II: Generation-See.

In The Year 2010

September 2, 2010

As a result of President Palin's ban on free press, The New York Times is only allowed one annual publication. This article recaps the events of the past year.

Since former President John McCain's unexpected death from colon cancer in 2009, Sarah Palin has become the 45th President of the United States. Upon becoming President, Sarah Palin's first order of business was to replace the Board of Education with the National Rifle Association. With every teacher in every public school in the nation replaced with shotguns, a massive child-militia was instantly formed. President Palin then reinstated the draft, but removed the lower age limit. The President then declared war on Iran, Israel, Istanbul, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Ireland, Italy, and the Isle of Man. When asked why she declared war on every "I" nation in the world, President Palin simply replied "There's no 'I' in 'gun'."

With every American child armed to the teeth and shipped all over the world, President Palin then addressed the issue of abortion. The President systematically executed every woman who has ever had an abortion. When asked for her reasoning, President Palin stated "There's no 'I' in 'abortion'." She then had the spelling of '"abortion" changed to "aborshun."

Fearing that the balance of powers would put a damper on her "party", President Palin implemented a permanent executive veto on all legislation passed by Congress. The Supreme Court ruled the permanent veto unconstitutional, but all members of the Supreme Court were killed by a mysterious moose-mauling. President Palin then appointed her two-year-old granddaughter as the Chief Justice and sole judge of the Supreme Court.

Frustrated by the complexities of the federal system, President Palin fired all members of the executive branch, and replaced them with deep-sea fishermen. Because of her experience as the owner of a fishing and sporting goods store, the President then replaced the Environmental Protection Agency with Dick's Sporting Goods.

President Palin then moved to have the Internal Revenue Service replaced by a mandatory national beauty contest. When asked for her reasoning behind this, President Palin said "Taxes ain't pretty, that's why." The President then proceeded to print the US Dollar continuously, now making it the lowest-valued currency in the world.

As the United States economy has completely collapsed, President Palin has begun one last ditch effort to bring stability to America. After oil drilling in the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge yielded minimal oil, President Palin has decided to drill for oil beneath every gas station in the country. Energy experts told the President that this was "a ludicrous idea", but Palin responded with "When was the last time you saw a polar bear at a gas station? They're not endangered, anyways." The President then proceeded to deny that global warming is caused by humans.

An investigation of the legitimacy of Sarah Palin's dismissal of Alaskan Public Safety Commissioner Walter Monegan is still underway.