In The Year 2010

September 2, 2010

As a result of President Palin's ban on free press, The New York Times is only allowed one annual publication. This article recaps the events of the past year.

Since former President John McCain's unexpected death from colon cancer in 2009, Sarah Palin has become the 45th President of the United States. Upon becoming President, Sarah Palin's first order of business was to replace the Board of Education with the National Rifle Association. With every teacher in every public school in the nation replaced with shotguns, a massive child-militia was instantly formed. President Palin then reinstated the draft, but removed the lower age limit. The President then declared war on Iran, Israel, Istanbul, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Ireland, Italy, and the Isle of Man. When asked why she declared war on every "I" nation in the world, President Palin simply replied "There's no 'I' in 'gun'."

With every American child armed to the teeth and shipped all over the world, President Palin then addressed the issue of abortion. The President systematically executed every woman who has ever had an abortion. When asked for her reasoning, President Palin stated "There's no 'I' in 'abortion'." She then had the spelling of '"abortion" changed to "aborshun."

Fearing that the balance of powers would put a damper on her "party", President Palin implemented a permanent executive veto on all legislation passed by Congress. The Supreme Court ruled the permanent veto unconstitutional, but all members of the Supreme Court were killed by a mysterious moose-mauling. President Palin then appointed her two-year-old granddaughter as the Chief Justice and sole judge of the Supreme Court.

Frustrated by the complexities of the federal system, President Palin fired all members of the executive branch, and replaced them with deep-sea fishermen. Because of her experience as the owner of a fishing and sporting goods store, the President then replaced the Environmental Protection Agency with Dick's Sporting Goods.

President Palin then moved to have the Internal Revenue Service replaced by a mandatory national beauty contest. When asked for her reasoning behind this, President Palin said "Taxes ain't pretty, that's why." The President then proceeded to print the US Dollar continuously, now making it the lowest-valued currency in the world.

As the United States economy has completely collapsed, President Palin has begun one last ditch effort to bring stability to America. After oil drilling in the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge yielded minimal oil, President Palin has decided to drill for oil beneath every gas station in the country. Energy experts told the President that this was "a ludicrous idea", but Palin responded with "When was the last time you saw a polar bear at a gas station? They're not endangered, anyways." The President then proceeded to deny that global warming is caused by humans.

An investigation of the legitimacy of Sarah Palin's dismissal of Alaskan Public Safety Commissioner Walter Monegan is still underway.