Where the Hell Have I Been?

So much crazy shit has been happening in the world, I've been a bit overwhelmed with blog ideas. The planet is in a state of disarray, and it's time to start fixing all of our problems. So let's get down to business:

1. Porn

As you all know, the porn industry asked for a federal bailout. This request was spearheaded by Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild and Larry Flynt of Hustler. I'm kinda surprised that Joe Francis is still at it, considering that in 2004 he was kidnapped and sodomized by some guy exacting revenge. But that's (funny and) beside the point. The porn industry is in trouble, and needs to be saved. Solution? Space Porn.

This untouched frontier of porn is an economic stimulus waiting to happen. Without getting into the details of how anti-gravity would make porn infinitely more entertaining, let me assure you that space porn would go flying off the shelves. But how can the porn industry afford to launch their best and not-brightest into the final frontier? Easy: Henry T. Nicholas III. This guy is the CEO of Broadcom and worth $2.3 billion. He also built a "sex cave" under his mansion, employs a small army of prostitutes, and goes through more white powder than Shaun White. If anyone in the world is willing to shell out millions to see Jenna Jameson in zero gravity, it's this maniac. And we wonder why our corporations are folding.


2. World Records

A Thai woman was just placed in the Guinness Book of World Records for spending 33 days in a room with 5,000 scorpions. Apparently this beat some idiot's previous record of less days in a room with 5,000 scorpions. I bet he feels like a total chump. Can we please have some sort of integrity with our world records?? People are just making up complete nonsense bullshit "records." Most tic-tacs eaten by a midget underwater. Most Bowflex commercials watched upside-down. Most days in a row standing on 1,000 pankakes. Most impossible commercial airpline crash-landings in the Hudosn River. Most butterflies cut in half by a blindfolded samurai. Most times busting out into uncontrollable laughter during Saw V. This could go on forever. Which would be another world record in itself.

3. GOD I hate the Steelers.